Is it Friday yet?

Here's the comedy of errors that occurred this morning as we were getting ready to leave for school.

7:50 a.m.: Sadie starts to make her lunch. Jonah is harassing her to hurry up.

7:55 a.m.: Sadie asks if she can pack a pickle in her lunch. I say yes. Jonah is complaining that she's not moving fast enough so he storms out of the house.

7:56 a.m: CRASH!!!! Glass everywhere. Pickles all over the kitchen floor. Pickle juice splattered in every nook and cranny, all over the cabinets, stove, dishwasher, etc. Crying kid.

7:57 a.m. : Mommy shuttles the barefoot girls out of the glass strewn kitchen and begins the clean-up process.

7:58 a.m.: Jonah comes in to find that we are still not ready and we are cleaning up a giant pickle mess. Hysteria ensues. "We're going to be late," he shouts. I calmly assure him that we will not be late.

7:59 a.m.: Still cleaning up the mess while reminding Sadie to get her socks on and finish getting ready. She's crying because her lunch is still not made.

8:02 a.m.: Mess is cleaned up for the most part. Socks are on. Lunch is almost packed. Jonah is still complaining, storms out of the house yet again.

8:03 a.m.: Keys in hand. Ready to head out the door. Violet starts tugging on her diaper and won't come down the stairs. I ask, "Did you poop?" She nods yes.

8:04 a.m.: Changing diaper, Jonah comes in again to find we are now done cleaning up the pickle mess but now we're changing a dirty diaper. Conniption fit of massive proportion ensues. He is now yelling at Sadie to get her shoes on. He pushes her or grabs her arm or something, who the hell knows. Sadie is crying and screaming, "You're the meanest brother ever."

8:05 a.m.: Diaper is changed. Shoes are on. Everyone is loading into the car. Jonah is still throwing a fit that we are going to be late. Never mind that we are only 5 minutes off schedule and we are NEVER late. In fact, we always arrive 15 minutes early. I remind him of this. It does no good. We are still going to be late because late to him is anything less than 15 minutes early. 

8:20 a.m.: We arrive at school (5 minutes later than usual but still earlier than most). Hugs and kisses. See ya!

8:30 a.m.: Mama pulls into Starbucks for a much needed caffeine fix!

I give the kid props for wanting to be prompt, but geez, can we dial down the drama a few notches? It's only Monday morning for crying out loud!

Penis, Placentas & Poop

More from the Sadie Chronicles...

Yesterday, Sadie had a friend over after school. I was cleaning out closets and had piles of stuff in the hallway. There just so happened to be a giant picture of a placenta. Sadie's friend Skylar said, "What's that?" Sadie said, "Oh, that's a placenta. There's the umbilical cord. And see that, that's where the baby lived." Skylar replied, "That's gross." It was high comedy (what can I say, I'm easily amused).

Later, Sadie walked out of her room with a large red xylophone tube between her legs. She said, "Look at my giant penis." After I told her to play a more appropriate game, she proceeded to say it two more times. Normally, I would have found this rather funny, but I was afraid of what poor Skylar was going to go home and tell her mom. She may never be allowed back.

Here are the jokes the girls told in the car on the way to take Skylar back to her mom.

Sadie: "Knock. Knock."
Skylar: "Who's there?"
Sadie: "S."
Skylar: "S who?"
Sadie: "S, why aren't you making a letter?"

Skylar: "Knock. Knock."
Sadie: "Who's there?"
Skylar: "Tree."
Sadie: "Tree who?
Skylar: "Tree, why aren't you blooming?"

Oh, and I forgot to mention the hysterical laughing that ensued after each of these jokes. Violet even joined in.

The final joke:

Sadie: "Knock. Knock."
Skylar: "Who's there?"
Sadie: "Butthole."
Skylar: "Butthole who?"
Sadie: "Butthole, why aren't you pooping?"

I have to admit, I actually giggled on that one! Who can resist a poop joke?

Warning: You may never look at blueberries the same after reading this!

This afternoon, Violet was playing on the floor with some of Jonah and Sadie's toys. I was sitting in the chair flipping through a magazine. I looked up and said, "What is all over Violet's leg?" She was covered in what appeared to be chocolate. I noticed a clump of something next to her. I was getting ready to yell at the kids for leaving food on the floor (even though I knew they didn't have chocolate today) when Jonah walked over to her and ran away screaming, "OOH. IT'S POOP!!!"

I went over to get a closer look, and sure enough, it was poop. It was not only all over her legs, but her arms, hands, feet, onesie, floor and the kids' toys! I picked her up and there were a few of the cards that she had been playing with poop-glued to her leg. It was awful! I asked Jonah to run a bath. While he did that, I did my best to get as much of it off of her as possible. It was a 10+ wipe situation. And the smell...oh my goodness!

The diaper was literally completely filled and oozing out all over. It was black and gooey with chunks of something that looked like raisins (which she has never had). After I carefully got her out of the onesie without depositing any more poop on her, I carried her to the bathtub and began the HazMat removal process. As I was doing so, I wondered out loud what on earth she could have eaten to have caused such an explosion and why it was so black. Jonah said, "Chocolate?" No. "Fig Newtons?" No. "Yogurt?" Definitely not. "Blueberries?" Of course!!! She ate a ton of blueberries yesterday! If I had known blueberries would cause this kind of reaction, she wouldn't have been constipated for the last 6 months! I have found a cure!

After getting her cleaned up, I went into the living room to survey the damage. It was worse than I thought! There was black/blue poop everywhere. Big pieces, little pieces, smeared pieces, poop hand prints, toys covered in poop, you name it. (Believe me, the picture does not even begin to do this situation justice)! I know you're thinking, good grief woman, how long was this child sitting in her own feces? But I swear, I had just put her down on the floor not 5 minutes before and she was completely poop-free.

Jonah and I built a fence around the 'accident scene' with dining room chairs so that I could figure out how to remove it. I called my mom and she did a search and came up with vinegar and boiling water. Needless to say, my house no longer smells like a hazardous waste dump, but it does smell like vinegar! I'm not sure which is worse – but at least it worked.

The funniest part was when the kids tried to help me clean up. Jonah came in wearing a snorkel and giant clothes-pin on his nose and Sadie was wearing goggles!

Oh, the joy of motherhood!

Poop happens!

Life as a mom is never dull! Poor Violet was having some tummy troubles but thankfully, they have resolved. She was constipated for almost a week. Yesterday, I had to break out the suppositories! That was fun! But it worked. Then she had a blowout this morning. She slept for 6.5 hours last night (the longest stretch ever since she was born) and now this morning, she has been asleep for over 2 hours. She must have been absolutely miserable. Poor baby.

I am sitting here bracing for the ice storm that is supposedly heading our way. There are a few flakes flying outside my window right now. I am going to pick Jonah up from school early so we don't get stuck in the mess. He will not be happy. I hope Michael leaves work early too but I doubt it now that he is the "Big Boss Man!"

Violet's awake!

Long time, no see

The kids are on winter break. We desperately need to get out of the house! Maybe we will go to the bookstore later.

Violet is teething and constipated – makes for a fun combination. She got her first tooth and first haircut last week (see the before and after photos above). She's growing so fast!

Sadie has 2 "wobbly" teeth, as she calls them. It's going to be so strange when she loses a tooth. I still think of her as my baby. I hated it when Jonah started getting his big person teeth, but he has grown into them nicely. It doesn't hurt that he has a huge head. All of our kids have "parade float" heads according to my husband. So hopefully, that means Sadie will grow into hers nicely as well.

I had a lovely birthday! I can't believe I am 35. Holy cow. I am now considered AMA (advanced maternal age) as my friend Angela likes to point out. Michael took the day off work. We had family portraits made in the morning. They were the first professional pictures we've had taken since Violet was born. I can't wait to see them. The morning started out a little rough. Jonah and I got into an argument over his hair. His hair! He's an 8 year old boy, not a teenage girl for crying out loud. Anyway, I told him to leave and that I didn't want him in the pictures. So he did. Luckily, he only ran away to the backyard. He finally agreed to let me fix his hair so that he didn't look like a Jonas Brother (oh and by the way, he wants to change his name to Jonas).

Then, I got to go shopping while my darling husband stayed home with the kids. Two blissful hours alone at The Summit! Wow. I forgot how nice it is to go shopping alone. I can't remember the last time I got to do that.

Michael and I had reservations that night at Corbett's. It was very fancy schmancy. Our bill with tip was $180 (for 2 of us)! It was totally worth it though. The food was delicious and the service was outstanding. It was nice to see how the other half lives. The kids stayed at my parents' house. Violet even managed to behave and not scream her head off the whole time. It was the first date Michael and I have had since our anniversary in November. I almost forgot what adult conversation was like. It was a very enjoyable day! We'll have to do that more often (at a cheaper place of course).

Violet is napping again. Sadie and Jonah are playing "I spy" and getting along very well for the moment. Let's hope that lasts until Wednesday when they go back to school. I won't hold my breath!