Knock, Knock. Who's There?

As I was leaving my house this evening for a meeting, I saw that the Mormons were out harassing my poor neighbor. She was minding her own business, weed-eating her lawn and listening to her iPod while they stood there in their white button-downs and matching ties frantically trying to get her attention. I didn't get to see the outcome of this little exchange but I imagine it didn't fall into the "success" category for the Mormons. 

What is the deal with the Jesus door-to-door salesmen? If it's not the Mormons, it's the Jehovah's Witness. When I was little, it was the Baptists knocking on the door trying to "save" me. I was 10 years old for crying out loud. What did I need to be "saved" from?

So here's how I imagine a conversation might go if the Mormons come knocking on my door...

Knock, knock.

Me: (Opening the door, snot-nosed kid clinging to my leg, hair disheveled, toilet brush in my hand) Yes?

MGs (Mormom Guys): Good afternoon ma'am. How are you today?

Me: Fine.

MGs: That's wonderful. Ma'am, we're out today recruiting for the Lord...

Me: (Interrupting; excited) Oh, are you guys Mormons?!?

MGs: Why yes ma'am, we are.

Me: I've been hoping you guys would show up. I'm really glad you stopped by. You see, I need to know where can I sign up and how long does it take to find a few new wives for my husband?

MGs: Um, ma'am, I think you misunderstand. We're not those kind of Mormons.

Me: (Disappointed) Oh, bummer. That's too bad. I could really use some extra hands around the house and some help with the kids. And it would be nice to spread out the marital duties, if you know what I mean. 

MGs: (Silent. Thinking: "Is this woman kidding or just crazy and how do we get out of here?)

Me: Well, do you know where I can find the other guys?

MGs: No ma'am. Really, we just want to talk to you about how the Lord has made such a difference in our lives.

Me: Thanks, but I'm really just looking for somebody to come and make a difference with my housework. Have a nice day.

People. Go sell Jesus somewhere else! I ain't buying. But if it's Girl Scout Cookies you have, that's a whole different story...

Yes, I know I'm going to hell and I'll be seeing many of you there (you know who you are)!

(To all my Jesus-lovin' friends and family, please remember, this is strictly meant for entertainment and not to offend anyone. Yes, you can pray for me, but I doubt it will do any good) ;-)